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A Return to the Chair

July 8, 2009
by

Monday I spent a couple of hours reclining in a comfortable chair. It would have been more comfortable had this masked woman not tried to rip my gums out with a metal hook. It all started about five years ago – the last time I was at the dentist. I can be honest here, because I don’t think my sister, the dentist, knows about the internet yet. The thing about dentists is that they’re never satisfied. If you brush your teeth every day, they want you to brush twice a day. If you brush twice a day, the want you to brush immediately after every meal. Yeah, right, I’m going to carry around a toothbrush. If you brush for a minute and half, they want two. I brush too hard, or too soft, or something. I looked for a toothbrush with a torque wrench on it, but I don’t think they make that yet.

DENTIST VISIT

After five years, I finally went to Walnut Grove Dental. Nancy recommended them because they’re all business there. No chit-chat, always on time. Perfect. After such a long time, I’m happy to report that I’m cavity-free and my existing fillings are holding up nicely. Hat tip to Dr. Manhart since some of those babies are 30 years old. It’s not all bunnies and lilacs though. I’ve got enough tartar on my teeth to keep Great Britain in fish and chips for a week. I signed up for the three hour, two appointment cleaning. [Insert your own joke about cleaning out my wallet here.]

The first of the two appointments was Monday. The hygenist said I could turn the TV to anything I wanted to watch. Er, what’s on at 11:30? I have no frickin’ idea. It was currently showing the Bonnie Hunt Show. I watched about 30 seconds of that and I wanted to punch myself in the face. I was literally getting stupider watching that show. I went for Headline News. I heard more news in an hour and a half than I’ve heard all year. And you know what, I haven’t been missing much. Apparently Micheal Jackson is some kind of hero. Here I thought he was a pedophile. Live and learn, I guess.

Bacon Floss!

We started with a little numbing gel followed by a six inch needle of Novocaine. Apparently Novocain is a trade name for Procain and that’s why it’s capitalized. I don’t know why Procain is capitalized. It’s all just local cocaine, though. Once I was drooling on myself, the hygienist happily crawled into my mouth up to her elbow and got to work. I never realized how much I like swallowing on my own schedule.

I go back for the right side on Monday – really looking forward to it. But now that I’m back, it’s daily flossing and six-month checkups like clockwork. Kim will be so proud and she might even forgive me for all the mean things I said up at the top of this post. Unless you guys keep quiet.

On the Ipod: The Cell Block Tango – Catherine Zeta Jones and Cast – Chicago Original Soundtrack

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Heather permalink
    July 8, 2009 2:16 pm

    Why did you need Novocaine? Just to scrape the shit off?! Yaouch!!

  2. Debbie permalink
    July 8, 2009 3:08 pm

    That is hilarious! I guess you should have gone in sooner. I feel your pain.

  3. July 8, 2009 3:52 pm

    Do they call that having your gums planed? Am I remembering that correctly? I had to do that a number of years back too – mine wasn’t from lack of going to the dentist, it was from lack of going to a credible dentist…

    Oh… and third paragraph – is it stupider? Or more stupid? How long did you say you watched that show?

  4. July 9, 2009 7:28 am

    They call it ‘root planning’ but I assume they mean planing. I’m sure they’ll appreciate when I call that spelling error to their attention next week. 🙂

    The also use the phrase “over the counter medicaments”. Medicaments means medications. They should just say medications.

    Dictionary.com says “stupider”. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stupid
    Come on, you didn’t think you’d catch me on a grammar error on my second post did you? A lot of web sites will say that “more stupid” is preferable, but they’re wrong. It’s stupider and stupidest.

  5. Kim permalink
    July 10, 2009 7:30 pm

    YEAH you went ! Scaling and Root planing…What fun!
    Maybe you should just carry the toothbrush in your mouth all day long….like some people do with a tooth pick??
    Love the sand castle picture and I have many patients that would like the bacon flavored floss…when given an option on flouride flavors, many ask for Beer or margarita flavored . But of course we don’t have those yummy kinds.
    Happy Flossing!

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